Connect, Don't Control

I was pushing my son on the swing beside our house the other day. He was being silly and, being a 5-year-old, tried to kick me playfully. Unfortunately, his foot and the arc of the swing met an unfortunate part of my body. 

It hurt. A lot. 

Rather than yelling or saying something I regretted, I walked away and went home. I wanted him to learn that he couldn’t do that without consequences. 

Later that day, I was reviewing my day in prayer and felt convicted about it. He accidentally hurt me, and I walked away from him. I was trying to teach him to be careful with his body. But by walking away, I also inadvertently taught him that when he messes up, I won’t be there for him. That is not what I want for my son.

I want to show him I will always be there for him, even when he messes up. 

This isn’t the only time I have made this mistake, and unfortunately, it won’t be the last time. It is rooted in something that I have noticed about myself more and more often. 

This story highlights part of my personality. I am a task-driven person. I love to cross off an item on my to-do list. Also, I am a strategic person by nature, always trying to figure out the best way to get to an outcome. 

It has great benefits, but over the past few months I have realized how it affects my relationships with others. I can come across as business-oriented and overwhelming at times. When listening to others, I often have a background narrative running about what I should be doing or saying, rather than REALLY listening to the person. This causes me to not connect as much as I could. 

The shadow side is that I can treat others, including my son, as problems to fix, rather than people to love. 

I was recently reading a blog by Dr. Todd Hall, who talks about the importance of connecting rather than controlling. It brought a lot of clarity on why it felt like there was a disconnect between me and others at times. I often am subconsciously trying to curate an outcome for a person rather than simply meeting them where they are.  

It often comes from a good heart: I want to help people. My focus can be helping people grow or learn rather than empathizing and walking with them. 

Don’t get me wrong, learning and growing are important. But they are secondary to loving the individual. Think about how Jesus interacted with people. He identified with the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. He cared for them before he tried to teach them anything. 

We can do the same.

Summer is a perfect time to practice connecting with others rather than controlling results. Don’t worry about the outcome; just be present in the moment. 

For some of you, this comes naturally. For others, like me, I need to be intentional about it and practice it until it becomes more a part of my nature to love like Jesus. 

Here are a few ways you can practice that this summer. 

• Host a BBQ or Picnic. Throw out an invite to a few friends and see who can show up. Schedules won’t align for everyone, but it may work for some. Resist the urge to control the guest list or create a program. Just be together. 

• Do a hobby together. You may already be going for a walk, exercising, or doing a hobby. Invite someone along. You may not be able to do your hobby as well, but invite others along to connect with them. 

• Ask good questions. How many times have you been asked “how was your weekend?” or “what are your summer plans?” Those aren’t bad questions, but use them to lead to deeper questions like “what are your hopes for your vacation?” or “What has helped you feel close to God lately?” 

• Listen Deeply: Make sure when you are with people, you listen well. There are three levels of listening: what is actually happening (the facts), what is the person feeling (the emotions), and what is the identity behind it (the values and beliefs). Go beyond the facts. Listening takes you out of the driver's seat of control and helps you connect with the person. 
• Impromptu Visit: Visit someone out of the blue. Drop off a coffee or treat for someone who is going through a hard season with a note. The gesture will mean a lot. 

God didn’t see you as a problem to solve, but as a person to be loved. The gospel is all about what He went through for us to be reconciled (or connected) with Him.  

This summer, I am trying to focus on being less “strategic” and instead being present with others, wherever they are at. 

What about you? 

For other ways to connect this summer, check out our blog on living the value of community.